One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
“Tie me up,” she purred,
“and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs,
“Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!”
The husband said,
“Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?”
“Doesn’t matter,” she said. “Just get out.”
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen.
“Careful,” he said, “CAREFUL! Put in some more butter!
Oh my GOD! You’re cooking too many at once.
TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW!
We need more butter. Oh my GOD!
WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER?
They’re going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL!
I said be CAREFUL!
You NEVER listen to me when you’re cooking! Never!
Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY?
Have you LOST your mind?
Don’t forget to salt them.
You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!”
The wife stared at him.
“What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don’t know how to fry a couple of eggs?”
* * * * * * *
The husband calmly replied, “I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I’m driving.”
Wife: “How would you describe me?”
Wife: “What does that mean?”
Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.”
Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?”
Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
Q: Is Google male or female?
A: Female, because it doesn’t let you finish a sentence before making a suggestion.
An old lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental.
He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says,
“Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said!
It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says,
“that’s okay. Just We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
Girlfriend: “Am I pretty or ugly?”
Boyfriend: “You’re both.”
Girlfriend: “What do you mean?”
Boyfriend: “You’re pretty ugly.”
A lady comes home from her doctor’s appointment grinning from ear to ear.
Her husband asks, “Why are you so happy?”
The wife says, “The doctor told me that for a forty-five year old woman, I have the breasts of a eighteen year old.”
“Oh yeah?” quipped her husband,
“What did he say about your forty-five year old ass?”
She said, “Your name never came up in the conversation.”
A husband exclaims to his wife one day,
“Your butt is getting really big. It’s bigger than the BBQ grill!”
Later that night in bed, the husband makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.
“What’s wrong?” he asks.
She answers, “Do you really think I’m going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little weenie?”
A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.
From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two.
She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.
Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.
As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.
He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?”
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m.
As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt.
Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man,
“I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”
A wife complains to her husband:
“Just look at that couple down the road, Roger, how lovely they are. He keeps holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her …
Why can’t you do the same?”
“Are you mad? I barely know the woman!”
Five Qualities of a Good Woman:
You should have a woman who works at home, who cooks, keeps things tidy and has a job.
You should have a woman who can make you smile and laugh.
You should have a woman you can trust, a woman who never lies to you.
You should have a woman who is good in bed and enjoys spending time with you.
And you should always, always keep these four women from ever meeting each other.
Wife sends a text message to her husband on a really cold winter morning:
Windows are totally frozen, will not open.
Husband replies: “Carefully pour some warm water over it and tap the edges first with your hand, if that doesn’t work, then gently with a hammer.”
15 minutes later, the wife texts back: “Oh no, I think the laptop is now totally gone.”
Judge: Why on Earth did you hit your husband with a chair?
Wife: Because the table was too heavy.
Women are so funny sometimes.
They think that their long silences or “I won’t talk to you” attitudes is actually a punishment.
A husband asks his wife: If I died, would you marry again?
Oh darling, of course I wouldn’t. I’d go and live with my sister. And if I died, would you remarry?
No, I think I’d go and live with your sister too.
A fortune teller asks a woman: “So, you came to know your husband’s future?”
“No way, tell me about his past, then I’ll decide about his future!!”
The following conversation took place between a husband and wife at the dinner table.
Wife: Can I have $20’000 to get some breast implants to make them bigger.
Husband: Why don’t you just rub toilet paper on your nipples.
Wife: Does that really work?
Husband: Well it seems to have worked on your ass.
Q. Why do they name hurricanes after women?
A. Because when they arrive they are wet and wild but when they leave they take your house and car with them.
My girlfriend just sent me a Facebook message saying:
Does anybody know what ‘ternative’ means?
The following conversation took place between a wife and husband after a lottery win.
Husband: If I won the lottery what would you do?
Wife: I’d divorce you and take half the money.
Husband: Ok, well I just won $10, here’s $5 now f*ck off!!
My wife left a note on the fridge this morning saying “This is not working, goodbye”.
Just opened the fridge and it’s working fine, very strange!
Just had a really big argument with my wife about going on holiday.
I wanted to go to Paris, she wanted to come with me.
I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgazm but she said that she doesn’t like to call me at work.