The Stone-Age of Enlightenment
The year; 66 Million B.C.
September 23rd. Just after lunch, central standard time.
Three Neanderthals- Ogg, Grunk, and Louie were hunting mammoths and discussing the new sport that was taking the caves by storm. Ogg was filling the other two in on the details of the game, as they did not have DVR at the time, and in those days, most folks didn’t know how to set their VCRs to record at a specific time.
Ogg – “…so Nuknuk snap the egg and pass to Krodd. Krodd make break for endzone, but great winged monster come down from sky and carry him away, and him drop it before he can score.”
Grunk – “Mmm. What happen, then?”
Ogg – “What mean? He fumble. It turnover.”
Louie, known to be sort of the tribe grump, was thoroughly unimpressed with the game Ogg described.
Louie – “Hmm. Sound stupid. That never catch o- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH^HHHHHHHHHHH^^HHHHHHHHHHHH^^^HHHHHHH^^^^HHHHHHHHH^^^^^HHHHHHHH..!“
Ogg and Grunk turned around and realized that Louie had simply vanished into thin air.
Grunk – “Hey, where he go?”
Ogg rolled his eyes.
Ogg – “Typical. Him owe me five rocks. Now him nowhere to be found.”
Grunk peered down into the gorge next to where they had been walking.
Grunk – “Nah. Me found him. Louie down there.”
He gestured towards the bottom of the ravine, where Louie’s crumpled, mangled corpse lay, silent and motionless on the jagged rocks below.
Ogg – “Oh. Him okay?”
Grunk threw a large stone down towards the body, which caved-in what was left of Louie’s skull. He did not appear responsive.
Grunk – “Hmm… Me not think so. Him having blood, like woman.”
Ogg grunted in dissaproval.
Ogg – “That sexist, Grunk.”
Grunk rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly.
Grunk – “Sorry, that my father talking. How hell Louie down there, when he just up here second ago?”
For several minutes, Ogg, deep in thought, stroked his beard- which had long ago coalesced into a single matted, casteroides tail-like dreadlock. There was an audible dial-up noise as he attempted to piece together the facts of this most perplexing mystery.
Suddenly, he had an epiphany:
Ogg – “Eureka! Me have theory.”
His curiosity piqued, Grunk inquired;
Grunk – “What theory?”
Ogg – “Bear with Ogg on this- Big rock under feet very big, right?”
Grunk considered this for a moment. The big rock they lived on was indeed quite large.
Grunk – “Me suppose so. What point?”
Ogg did his best to articulate his new, ground-breaking notion:
Ogg – “Okay: Suppose big rock have great mass. Much bigger than Louie. Since big rock have big mass, it somehow attract objects with small mass through sort of physical force, make objects go down, like when sky cries, and voilà– Now Louie down there.”
Grunk furrowed his monobrow, though it was obscured by his bulbous, super-Saiyan 3-like forehead.
Grunk – “Hmm… That novel concept, but you not follow scientific method, so is not really theory, technically speaking.”
Ogg scoffed, indignant at this preposterous accusation. How dare Grunk, a college drop-out, call his flawless methodology into question?
Ogg – “What you mean me not follow scientific method?”
Grunk – “Well… To have theory, must peform experiments. Take measurements. Record and analyze data to reach conclusion. Then it theory. What you have hypothesis.”
Ogg stared blankly at Grunk for several moments. His eyes narrowed. Then, without any warning at all, Ogg whacked Grunk in the back with his club, knocking him into the canyon to meet with his terrible doom.
Grunk – “AAAAAAAAAAAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEEE! OGG YOU BUTTHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOLE..! “
Ogg peered downward into the chasm and grunted once more.
Ogg – “Hmm. Now it theory… Bitch.“